"I don't want a tumor" (I don't want you to die ...)
I hesitated for a long time and then I said to myself "do it if you want"
But to be completely honest, it was after my ironing of a Sunday afternoon that I decided that I was going to do it and that the gaze of others, no longer had its place in my life which becomes too small for all these congestion….
TIPI has arrived for some time, I do not have the exact date, however what I know is that on January 6, 2023, against all expectations, I was announced its presence.
Tipi measures 1.5 cm, it is not the fruit of my imagination although it does not stay very far.
From the top of its 1.5 cm, I must admit that she scares me.
She settled in my head, from where she can read my thoughts, modify my mood, to keep my dreams away, my head has become too small for us 2, regularly I have the impression that she pushes the walls of my skull, however, it only measures 1.5cm ...
This is how our story started in October 2022.
My head was leaning on me that something was wrong, the headaches were as dazzling as it is painful, nothing to do with migraines, and this strange feeling "that the interior of my head became too big for my skull"
And then, these vertigo, as if I tangled on a boat.
I had noticed disorders of concentration, mood jumps, but at 46, I was aligning these symptoms on the likely arrival of menopause.
But there was this intelligence of my body which told me that there was something else so I listened to it and I went to see my doctor to prescribe an MRI.
A few days later, I receive the results by email, I am in the car in a parking lot, alone.
I open the attachment and I read diagonally to reach the conclusion as quickly as possible: the word Me-Nin-Gioma whose definition or meaning ( meningioma of Vertex ).
So, I'm looking on Google and all at once, in my mind, I no longer had a "meningioma", but a "brain tumor".
"Damn of shit, I have a brain tumor" I repeat this sentence like a mantra, "damn, I have a tumor"
And there, I am overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, that I say an emotional tsunami:
Reassured because I know what I have
Terrified it is a brain tumor it's not anywhere, it's my brain, my central unity, my precious, my conscience, the seat of everything
Sorry, my daughter, my husband, will I inflict this on them?
Angry, why me?
Tired, too much it's too much, don't want to fight
And now, what am I doing?
I'm going to go home, my husband and my daughter are waiting for me, I also went to do a few shopping
I am sounded but I will look for I do not know where enough energy in me, an almost supernatural force so as not to collapse by announcing my 2 loves that I have a brain tumor.
I decide to announce it first to my husband, he takes me in his arms and whispers that it will go, he is there
I feel his love, and his fear, he too is in shock.
I am waiting for a few days to tell my daughter because I can't find the words, so I explain to her that when I had the back I was removed a hernia.
In my head, it's called a tumor and I will take it away too.
I want myself and must reassure myself, from the age of 10, no need to enter medical explanations, details that would only worry it.
Sacha looks at me, hugs me and says " I don't want to die "
These words resonate, she does not realize the play on words she has just done.
In my head, I say to myself "you are right darling, I don't want a tumor" !!!!!!
My decision is made, during my appointment on April 13 with the neurosurgeon, I ask that I am withdrawn, I do not want surveillance I want to be removed from it, I do not want to live with this sword of Damocles above my head,
And then, I realize that by announcing it around me, some people do research on my meningioma and inform me that it is Benin.
I already know it but the Benin word bothers me strongly.
This term is not acceptable "Benin". Words are important.
(Note of the association: for the word “Benin”, see our articles here):
Is it benign to have a brain tumor? !!!!!
Knowing that there are only 3.8 people out of 100,000 who are affected, is it Benin to be one of these 3.8 people?
I was less likely to meet Tipi than winning the Loto in rank 3 (one chance out of 86,677 to win in rank 3 (4 good numbers and the lucky number)))))
And yet, Jack Pot, I won a brain tumor and not a single number in the lottery.
Maybe it's time to replay it, apparently the probability is on my side.
I remind them that meningioma affects the central nervous system. Which controls our thoughts, our movements, our emotions and our desires. It also controls our breathing, our heart rate, the release of certain hormones, body temperature.
February 14, Fête de l'Amour, Tipi grew up by 3 mm….
Human skull is the place of residence for a brain of:
Length 17 cm
Width 14 cm
Height 9 cm
Weight: 1.4 kg
Neurons: 86 billion neurons
Cells: 170 billion
I calculate…, I analyze, I am looking for….
I realize that my brain alone carries the 3 axes of my life: writing, sophrology and training (I have just created my training center)
If my system becomes faulty, what do I have left?
Who will become I if I can no longer exercise, if my mental faculties fly away, disappear, crumble like burned paper?
The days, the weeks pass and sometimes I feel totally misunderstood, abandoned, "that too will pass"
I don't want to be the center of the world or that everything revolves around Tipi, but sometimes for those around it it becomes banality, a kind of everyday routine
And I find myself alone in front of her and my scenarios, and I cry, often, a lot, really,
I had decided some time ago to redo a tattoo, so I took the plunge ...
The story of my life is tattooed on my right forearm,
This tattoo is my strength that has become visible, he reminds me that I have survived 100% of my events, I will also survive it
"Wow!" I survived a tumor ”will tell me I
Tipi (I called her thus) entered my life, however small she, she upset her, overturned, returned
But she also made my strength visible, my love for those I love.
She helps me to free myself from unimportant things, to get rid of the superfluous and keep only the essentials,
But she is also in the life of my husband and my daughter and there she knees me because I am helpless in the face of their pain and that is probably what hurts me the most.
Sophie
